Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
