you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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