We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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