we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
