There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize