Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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