my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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