you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
