Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
