Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Randomize
