we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
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