Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
