I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Randomize
