How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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