tonight lets celebrate not being married
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
