Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
