So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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