I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
