Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
