omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
