do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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