i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
