i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
