Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
