I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
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