Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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