lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Randomize
