All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
