Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
