Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Randomize