All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
