I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
