so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
