Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
