My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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