I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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