life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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