Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
