All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
They took my balls.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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