Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
