I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
