I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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