I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
