i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
