Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
