I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize