I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
