life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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