yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I'm always down for nudity.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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