Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Couch. On fire.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
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