And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Randomize
