I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
