ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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