she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
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