promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
