I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Sext me about skeletons
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
