I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
