your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
