so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
