it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
