My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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